Demoting Rejection
Separating rejection from your identity.
Universities rarely talk about the hierarchy between faculty and students, and that’s why so many graduate students struggle.
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Some things after graduation haven’t changed.
Every day like clockwork, I wake up, have breakfast, take my meds, and get to work at my computer. As my computer wakes up, it wheezes like a heavy smoker. I could bring it back to full health if I closed some of my tabs. But those are my emotional support tabs.
I check one tab religiously. My email account dedicated to all things business, applications, and agent queries. In the day-to-day, there’s nothing except for emails notifying me of automatic WordPress updates. That doesn’t mean I stop hoping for a different email.
Sometimes my hope is fed.
Instead of the usual “1” in my inbox, there’s a “2.”
My eyes ignore WordPress’s notification, “Some plugins were automatically updated” and quickly jump to the next email. “Query Reply from…”
I hold my breath as I click open the email. Will this be the moment I finally get an agent?
Dear Shine Kim,
Thank you for the opportunity to review your book proposal. Unfortunately, your project is not a fit for me and I’m going to have to pass. Best of luck with your future queries!
My shoulders sink down. I drag and drop the email to join the others in the folder titled, “Rejection.”
I’m not the type to copy paste or automate my submissions. It helps me avoid any cringe worthy typos or other avoidable mistakes. So I’m not exaggerating when I say I put my all into every email I send out. And so far, those emails haven’t come back with positive results.
As someone with a PhD, I have grown familiar with rejection.
Grant proposals.
Journal article submissions.
Job applications.
Years of rejection haven’t desensitized me. It still hurts to see the words, “I’m sorry,” or “Unfortunately,” or “We regret to inform you.” After all, I am only human.
Rejection after rejection, this one finally brought me to my mental knees. Am I a bad writer? Is something wrong with my proposal? Should I just give up on becoming a published author?
The familiar thought grooves led me down like a luge. Normally, I’d throw myself a pity party and collapse onto the couch. Put on some trash TV—a guilty pleasure of mine. Ask my partner to stop by our local Indian restaurant and pick up a mango lassi. But I had to get ready for my gym class. And I wasn’t going to cough up $12 just to skip it. That $12 could buy three mango lassis!
I put on my strength training shoes and started walking towards my car. The rejection still hung over me, as I walked past shrubs lining the sidewalk. The scent of honeysuckles drifted towards my nose and I took in a deep breath. One breath after another, my lips curved upward. In that moment, my years of attendance in therapy decided to make its money’s worth. A thought of clarity whispered, cutting through my spiral.
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This doesn’t change or say anything about me.
Yes, I poured my heart into these proposals and emails. But that doesn’t mean my efforts are inadequate. I don’t need to fall apart or seek external reassurance that I’m okay.
This rejection has no power over me. Nor do the past and future rejections. I don’t need to despair.
If you’re not immune to the feelings of shame and anxiety after rejection, you’re not alone.
It’s not easy to maintain confidence when you’re constantly overwhelmed with scattered deadlines that occasionally follow or overlap each other on top of coursework and program milestones. That pile of work is enough to make you dizzy and lose sight of who you are.
Academia may try to bury you and convince you that you are only as valuable as your accomplishments. Academia is wrong.
The truth is while the accomplishments are impressive and prettify your CV, they’re only a small representation of you and your success. Just like how rejections are also a small part of you.
It is okay to feel sad when you receive a notification of rejection. It’s normal to seek out acceptances. That’s how we’re conditioned to understand what our purpose is. But neither the accomplishments or rejections define you, they only add to you.
Unless you want to sell your soul and monetize your personality like so many billionaires and kiss assers we know, you can’t put a price tag on how you show up in life. Your values and characteristics are what matters.
You are enough.
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